hair dryer warranties

I almost couldn't hold my hairdryer tonight because it was vibrating so much--it was seriously on its last legs. I got a new one.

As I slowly replace the things from my former life--and I call it that in my head--I find it easier to stop gripping the past. Sort of. It's like all this stuff that I miss is jumbled up and I can't really figure out what it is I miss the most, and really, do I miss it at all? Or is it just that now I have time to miss it, space mentally to think, is this all there is?

I was on facebook tonight, confirming some friend requests, and I longed for being in the city again, why, I don't know. I had a great dinner with some great girls tonight, and I really enjoyed the conversation. I got to drive home to MY house, and snuggle in my bed, but somehow, I still miss New York. Or...is it that I miss the sense that something great, something exciting, is just around the corner? In some sense, this is true--you might run into Dr. Ruth in that play in the little West Village theatre and tell her that you are her marketing manager on her human sexuality book (people other than Katie: yes, this really happened). But in another sense, you spend a lot of time anticipating in New York. Yes, just anticipating. Something. Great. Where is it?

And in the meantime: life happens. Shit, I don't know. Maybe it was great, and maybe I just wasn't ready then to be in it, in NYC. Maybe I can go back. I dont' know. I don't know. I do know that I am just sort of dealing with life right now. I sprained both of my ankles in about 8-9 weeks. And I asked a yoga teacher what she thought might be out of balance, and in her little book, she found something to the effect of: I am not able to experience pleasure in my life. Which is quite a revelation for a couple of reasons:

1. a couple of years ago, I would have almost called myself a minor hedonist.
2. shit! she's right! I've been working working working!

Do I need to get laid? Or just lighten the f**k up? I don't know. I do know that I am basically broke and still need to get my financial shit together. So I will do that and work and then re-assess. But I do think I am a city girl, like a walking, talking, interacting with people city girl. I may move somewhere crazy next, though, like f'ing Warsaw. Who knows.

And where the hell is Xander? He sent me a birthday card and now he's fallen off the face of the planet again. I would like to say I don't care, but I feel so lacking in closure that I do care, dammit, and it's so weird to have gotten on a plane after a blow-out fight and never have come to terms with it all. Did i really go to Europe last year? Did I have a relationship with a Dutch special forces NCO? Did it go south pretty quickly? did he stop speaking to me in the evenings when he came home? did I run the same route three times a week around the horse pasture and over the little waterways? How about watching the BBC home shows everyday after Xander went to work? Did that happen too? What about shopping in the grocery store with my little shopping list, translated into Dutch and into metric. did he play his f'ing video game every Saturday morning for three hours while I smoldered and wanted to scream because I had nowhere to go besides that f'ing running route and the strange grocery store where I couldn't get some screaming chocolate chip cookies? and did he really shut me out like I wasn't there? did he? he did. All of that happened. so why can I not move the fuck on?

Iyengar says that feelings only become emotions when we dwell on them and let them become emotions. That feelings pass-we simply hold onto them too long and then they become emotions. I am trying really hard to let go, to let it pass. And I'm making progress! I am.

In the meantime, I will throw out my old hairdryer.