broke

...so I have always been the type to just do things. I know instinctively what I need to do, and I follow it. My "gut", I suppose they call it. As a result of my faith in my ability to make decisions that are right for me, long term, I tend not to think of the consequences of the decisions I make. At least, the ones that affect me the most. Instead, I think of the consequence of NOT making the decision, and I know I can't live with THAT, so I go ahead with my "gut".

And, to be honest, and I don't want to appear smug, I seem to be right all of the time about these big decisions. When I don't follow said "gut", I usually regret it.

The same applies here, not about not following my instincts, about actually following them and quitting my job, etc. I need to come up with a good acronym for my early-life crisis. So, my current situation is: B-R-O-K-E. I mean, there are of course more things going on in my current situation than being penniless (i.e., being completely put off of men, without my own place, without my stuff, without a permanent job, living with my parents when I have been completely independent for 10 years), but right now I am thinking most about the lack of money. I just looked at my bills, and how much I have earned freelancing over the past few weeks, and it will just about cover it. Which is good! I don't know why I'm all weepy. But damn. I can't DO anything. No car, no job, no home. Cry, cry, I am so lucky to have my parents to catch me when I fall. Or jump, which is what I did in this case.

But anyway, getting back to what I was saying about making the right decisions and not thinking about the consequences until I am sitting smack-dab in the middle of them. I am literally sitting in the middle of all these bills and receipts and damn if I didn't really think about this part--the part where for 2 months AFTER I got back, I would be broke. I didn't think I wouldn't be broke, I just didn't think about it. Shit, I was lucky to get out of NYC in June with my f'ing head attached.

The thing is, I know it will all be fine, and I will even be BETTER for all of this. I just am not used to being THIS broke. I was usually broke in NYC, but there was more money coming in all the time. And I'm impatient--I want to get on with it already. I want that little house at 1015 Peddie in the Heights. Patience is a virtue, right? Who the hell said that?