came today! A big day. It's not a ton, but it's a start.
in other news, I (with the help of my parents) put an offer on 1015 Peddie, a little 980 sq. ft. bungalow that I have been obsessed with for a few weeks now. it was accepted! we are now doing inspections...closing is December 14th, giving me time to get a job, which is a small detail.
things seem to be coming together, I had my first interview for the job I am pursuing. it's an educational technology marketing job, and it will be crazy but very interesting. I hope to talk with the other folks that hold the key to my being hired this week or next. here's to hoping!
Wednesday, October 31, 2007
Monday, October 22, 2007
thoughts
I'm reading a book about the Bauhaus right now. It's so fascinating to see politics and design and art and crafts and history come together in a style of design that I knew little to nothing about before I went to Germany this summer. How can I take my high interest in this sort of thing (art, design, architecture, and their intersection with history) and somehow weave it into my every day activities (more so than simply reading). Should I go back to school? For what? Art history? and then what? I teach? Or is maintaining an interest the way I keep it in my life? Make a commitment to continuing to learn? Is that enough? Yes, I suppose, if I honor that commitment.
It's late October. I'm in limbo, for sure. I am okay with that most of the time, but the rest of the time it's tough.
It's late October. I'm in limbo, for sure. I am okay with that most of the time, but the rest of the time it's tough.
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
broke
...so I have always been the type to just do things. I know instinctively what I need to do, and I follow it. My "gut", I suppose they call it. As a result of my faith in my ability to make decisions that are right for me, long term, I tend not to think of the consequences of the decisions I make. At least, the ones that affect me the most. Instead, I think of the consequence of NOT making the decision, and I know I can't live with THAT, so I go ahead with my "gut".
And, to be honest, and I don't want to appear smug, I seem to be right all of the time about these big decisions. When I don't follow said "gut", I usually regret it.
The same applies here, not about not following my instincts, about actually following them and quitting my job, etc. I need to come up with a good acronym for my early-life crisis. So, my current situation is: B-R-O-K-E. I mean, there are of course more things going on in my current situation than being penniless (i.e., being completely put off of men, without my own place, without my stuff, without a permanent job, living with my parents when I have been completely independent for 10 years), but right now I am thinking most about the lack of money. I just looked at my bills, and how much I have earned freelancing over the past few weeks, and it will just about cover it. Which is good! I don't know why I'm all weepy. But damn. I can't DO anything. No car, no job, no home. Cry, cry, I am so lucky to have my parents to catch me when I fall. Or jump, which is what I did in this case.
But anyway, getting back to what I was saying about making the right decisions and not thinking about the consequences until I am sitting smack-dab in the middle of them. I am literally sitting in the middle of all these bills and receipts and damn if I didn't really think about this part--the part where for 2 months AFTER I got back, I would be broke. I didn't think I wouldn't be broke, I just didn't think about it. Shit, I was lucky to get out of NYC in June with my f'ing head attached.
The thing is, I know it will all be fine, and I will even be BETTER for all of this. I just am not used to being THIS broke. I was usually broke in NYC, but there was more money coming in all the time. And I'm impatient--I want to get on with it already. I want that little house at 1015 Peddie in the Heights. Patience is a virtue, right? Who the hell said that?
And, to be honest, and I don't want to appear smug, I seem to be right all of the time about these big decisions. When I don't follow said "gut", I usually regret it.
The same applies here, not about not following my instincts, about actually following them and quitting my job, etc. I need to come up with a good acronym for my early-life crisis. So, my current situation is: B-R-O-K-E. I mean, there are of course more things going on in my current situation than being penniless (i.e., being completely put off of men, without my own place, without my stuff, without a permanent job, living with my parents when I have been completely independent for 10 years), but right now I am thinking most about the lack of money. I just looked at my bills, and how much I have earned freelancing over the past few weeks, and it will just about cover it. Which is good! I don't know why I'm all weepy. But damn. I can't DO anything. No car, no job, no home. Cry, cry, I am so lucky to have my parents to catch me when I fall. Or jump, which is what I did in this case.
But anyway, getting back to what I was saying about making the right decisions and not thinking about the consequences until I am sitting smack-dab in the middle of them. I am literally sitting in the middle of all these bills and receipts and damn if I didn't really think about this part--the part where for 2 months AFTER I got back, I would be broke. I didn't think I wouldn't be broke, I just didn't think about it. Shit, I was lucky to get out of NYC in June with my f'ing head attached.
The thing is, I know it will all be fine, and I will even be BETTER for all of this. I just am not used to being THIS broke. I was usually broke in NYC, but there was more money coming in all the time. And I'm impatient--I want to get on with it already. I want that little house at 1015 Peddie in the Heights. Patience is a virtue, right? Who the hell said that?
Wednesday, October 10, 2007
Further reflections
Ah, 6 weeks after my last post, I think. Nearly 6 weeks, anyway. Back in the fold of America, of my family.
Xander and I have broken up. I'm sad largely because his comments on the relationship focus on the fact that it didn't work out, not on how much fun we had until he changed the day after (literally, the day after) we returned from our holiday in Germany. I don't know what happened, but all of a sudden he wasn't communicating anymore, the joy was gone from his eyes, and from us. So, three weeks of him shutting me out and I was still the optimist. In my eyes, a relationship is work, not always smooth sailing, but for some reason he was done. He just won't tell me why, but I suppose it was too much. I was too much. At any rate, I don't want to be involved with someone who shuts me out so early in the relationship.
So, that happened. Mostly because I started the breakup--he wouldn't do it.
And now I am trying to untangle the summer from my sour/sad feelings about X and me. It is hard to do that, but I know I must, and I also know that quitting my job and leaving Manhattan were things in the works before I met him, and maybe his role in my life was to make actually doing those things a little more pleasant. I can't help but feel a little pang of melancholy when I think of the Bauhaus Archiv or the Black Forest, though, and wondering if the "fun" we had was all put on, was imagined. Goodness.
Frankly, I have too much going on to even dwell, and I need to deal with getting my life back in order. I'm now freelancing (kind of a lot) for two different companies, and looking forward to my first paycheck in four months. I'm sorting out what I want to do to learn a living, and I'm also sorting out where I want to live. My things are in New Jersey, and my dad and I are headed up to pick them up next month. They will come back down here with me, and maybe I will feel less disjointed (more jointed?). Right now, I feel like pieces of me are everywhere--Holland, New York, Houston, even Spain, Italy. I need to get the lion's share of those pieces, gather them up to my breast, and mold them back together like a big pile of Play-Doh like I played with in England with my 2-year-old nephew in September.
Don't get me wrong. If this sounds melancholy or even morose, it's largely from being overwhelmed and undergrounded. I can't seem to get my first chakra balanced (have I truly tried?) and there have been so many big choices swimming in front of my eyes for so long that everything seems blurred and unstable. I'm very lucky that I have the chance to whip the rug out from under myself like this--it's healthy, and it's unusual. For having the choice, the support, and the success--I am infinitely thankful. And I know that I will be just fine. It's a process...but isn't everything?
Xander and I have broken up. I'm sad largely because his comments on the relationship focus on the fact that it didn't work out, not on how much fun we had until he changed the day after (literally, the day after) we returned from our holiday in Germany. I don't know what happened, but all of a sudden he wasn't communicating anymore, the joy was gone from his eyes, and from us. So, three weeks of him shutting me out and I was still the optimist. In my eyes, a relationship is work, not always smooth sailing, but for some reason he was done. He just won't tell me why, but I suppose it was too much. I was too much. At any rate, I don't want to be involved with someone who shuts me out so early in the relationship.
So, that happened. Mostly because I started the breakup--he wouldn't do it.
And now I am trying to untangle the summer from my sour/sad feelings about X and me. It is hard to do that, but I know I must, and I also know that quitting my job and leaving Manhattan were things in the works before I met him, and maybe his role in my life was to make actually doing those things a little more pleasant. I can't help but feel a little pang of melancholy when I think of the Bauhaus Archiv or the Black Forest, though, and wondering if the "fun" we had was all put on, was imagined. Goodness.
Frankly, I have too much going on to even dwell, and I need to deal with getting my life back in order. I'm now freelancing (kind of a lot) for two different companies, and looking forward to my first paycheck in four months. I'm sorting out what I want to do to learn a living, and I'm also sorting out where I want to live. My things are in New Jersey, and my dad and I are headed up to pick them up next month. They will come back down here with me, and maybe I will feel less disjointed (more jointed?). Right now, I feel like pieces of me are everywhere--Holland, New York, Houston, even Spain, Italy. I need to get the lion's share of those pieces, gather them up to my breast, and mold them back together like a big pile of Play-Doh like I played with in England with my 2-year-old nephew in September.
Don't get me wrong. If this sounds melancholy or even morose, it's largely from being overwhelmed and undergrounded. I can't seem to get my first chakra balanced (have I truly tried?) and there have been so many big choices swimming in front of my eyes for so long that everything seems blurred and unstable. I'm very lucky that I have the chance to whip the rug out from under myself like this--it's healthy, and it's unusual. For having the choice, the support, and the success--I am infinitely thankful. And I know that I will be just fine. It's a process...but isn't everything?
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